TO bE IN LOVE WITH DEPRESSION

About a week ago I was down in the dumps. Didn't want to eat, just sleep, because I was so sick. Everything was starting to get irritated me to points of isolating myself from my family and finding everything worthless. I lost 5 pounds and now weigh 88. Nick, my boyfriend, tried his hardest to cheer me up and see me when he could and for some reason or another it just wasn't enough for me. Everyday I just got worse, but my feelings for Nick somehow intensified. I had no idea I could love him this much more. He stayed in our loft one night and I rubbed his head until he fell asleep and as I watched him I realised how beautiful he is. His body was like a map of heaven and as I sat, embracing my love I began to cry. My tears were unexpected to myself and I haven't been able to make sense of them, but I know I am happy now. Spending time with him is like medicine for me in every way for my soul and I dont think I could ever find someone as perfect as him!

THE FIRST EASTER FOR MY SOUL

I attended a party with my boyfriend Nick for an easter get together/birthday party and had a great time. Nick and I danced together, drank beer and played games. We had a scavenger hunt with teams and our teams call to each other was screaming "SUCKYFUCKY!" to each other, it was drunken humor. There was a couple who made Nick and I want a child so badly with each other. Later after dancing for a while I chatted with a russian woman about music and dancing and connection, it was as if my senses had just been born and my souls free spirit had just been born. I can't wait to talk to her again. She made me feel so open and beautiful. Her smell was familiar to me, like a past home I've had. When I told her this she told me she loved me with glowing eyes and hugs me so tight. My dancing with Nick became so feather like after speaking to her. She watched us dance and she admired our love for each other, and I was admiring that!

CAPS DILEMMA

SO TODAY I'M A LITTLE bUMMED. I'VE bEEN CONTIMPLATING WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO QUIT USING ALL CAPS MOST OF MY TIME HERE ON THE INTERWEbS. I KNOW FOR SOME PEOPLE THEY HATE IT AND THINK YOUR YELLING OR JUST TRYING TO GET TOO MUCH ATTENTION bUT TO bE HONEST I JUST REALLY LOVE THE WAY IT LOOKS. ITS HOW I WRITE AND ITS ALMOST LIKE CUSTOM FONT TO ME bECAUSE I HATE CAPITAL b'S AND THIS IS THE WAY I WRITE SHIT ON PAPER YA KNOW. I'M JUST REALLY CRACKED OUT AbOUT IT. I WAS UP REAL LATE LAST NIGHT COMPLAINING TO bEST bUD AbOUT IT FOR A WHILE AND I'M JUST COMING TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YA KNOW WHAT...I SHOULDNT HAVE TO CHANGE MY TYPING bUT MAYbE I NEED TO. MAYbE ONE OF MY HUbFANS IS RIGHT, IF I WANT MY WORK TO GO ANYWHERE I HAVE TO STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND TYPE NORMAL LIKE EVERYbODY ELSE. UGH. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DRAG. I HATE THE WAY OTHER WRITING IS. ITS EASIER FOR ME TO READ SHIT AND FOR MY ATTENTION TO bE KEPT IF ITS AbNORMAL OR STANDS OUT. I WOULD ONLY bE SUPPORTING WHAT I REALLY DONT CARE TOO MUCH FOR. bUT I GUESS IN A WAY THAT SOUNDS STUPID. OH WELL. HOPEFULLY IN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO I WILL HAVE MADE MY DECISION. ObV NOT DOING IT TODAY. YEA RIGHT.

REDbULL NIGHT W/O THE REDbULL

LAST NIGHT I HAD ONE OF THESE NIGHTS...

REDbULL

[A KILLING]

ONE A.M. WILL COME,
IN A TOWN, IN A PLACE,
WHERE I MAY NOT bELONG.
I STAY AWAKE,
HEAR THEM SPEAK,
TO THE DRUMS OF THEIR bONGOS.
'LAUGH AND PLAY',
I MUMbLE TO MY PREYS.
'FOR IT WILL NOT bE LONG'.
I SEE THEM NOW,
THE LITTLE LADS.
PIXIES, FROM SYLIbNYTHON.
I TRY LISTENING TO THEIR TALES,
bUT MY TUMMY IS TOO FOND.
FOR I WAIT NO LONGER.
SWOLLOWING THEM,
TO WHERE THEY bELONG!

I WAS UP SO LATE. COULDN'T GO TO SLEEP AND THE ONLY COMPANY I HAD WAS INSTANT MESSAGING WITH, TOM POOLE THE PIRATE, ONE OF MY bEST FRIENDS. I KEPT LAUGHING AND HAVING FUN AND THEN THREE IN THE MORNING ROLLED AROUND AND I MY EYES FELT DEAD. bUT WHEN I SHUT DOWN MY COMPUTER AND LAYED THERE TO FALL ASLEEP I JUST COULDN'T DO IT. I HAD TOO MANY THOUGHTS. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. MAYbE GET bACK ONTO MY COMPUTER, bUT I DIDNT. I JUST FELL ASLEEP SOME TIME AFTER. WHO KNOWS

GRANDPA JIMMY PART I

MY THOUGHTS HAVE bEEN IN EVERY PLACE POSSIbLE LATELY WITH LIFE OF COURSE AND THOSE WHO ARE CLOSE TO ME. MOSTLY, MY GRANDPA JIMMY. HE'S ALWAYS bEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGH EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE AND HIS SPIRIT CONTINUES TO INSPIRE ME. HE MADE AN ARROWHEAD NECKLACE FOR ME WITH HIS OWN HANDS AND I WEAR IT EVERYDAY TO REMIND ME OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE ARROWHEAD GIVES ME AN ENERGY OF PROTECTION. IT GIVES ME STRENGTH bECAUSE I SEE MY STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GRANDPA. ITS SOMETHING I THINK AbOUT EVERYDAY. THIS RED TAIL HAWK CAPTURES TO ME SOMTHING LIKE HIS SOUL AND MAYbE HE WILL COME bACK ONE DAY AS THIS bEAUTIFUL bIRD AND bE TRULY FREE WITH HIS WINGS STRETCHED OUT IN THE WIND, GLIDING THROUGH CLOUDS AND WATCHING ALL bELOW HIM. MAYbE EVEN WATCHING HIS FAMILY WITH PRIDE. WHAT A bEAUTIFUL DAY THAT WOULD bE.